Buried it all but , how deep ?

Well to be real honest as I do not reside at  a place where my mornings start with all kinds of birds chirping and cool soothing breeze - an ideal over romanticized version of every morning presented by all most 90% of authors that I read as a teen , to keep it real it was a strong windy yet sunny morning on a usual  working  weekday of October 2020 , I woke up and murmerred my usual morning prayer, got out of my comfy arena and performed morning rituals , as far as considering my age I belong to those  category of  millennial babies , who  are all young adults now and will sit with a phone in one hand scrolling through their social media feed while having breakfast  rather then either reading a good spiritual script  to kick off a morning -which my mother would have definitely expected out of me or would have loved if I did so - but I didn't , and of course never regretted it everyday but who knew today was about to look  different . 

I sipped on the first sip of my smoothie and opened a few social media accounts obviously trying to catch up on which other legend which lost this morning  in 2020 or which other celebrity couple now announced their pregnancy or their wedding dates , but out of my utter shock , surprise  or whatever other synonym you  know and will  prefer to use for the word - disgusted luck I ended up seeing a picture of a face that I don't admire ? dislike ? hate , well rather these are all too weak words to describe what feelings my heart in particular holds  for that particular personality - some type of weirdly strong burn was felt in my chest immediately ( yes its real and not just  poetic  ) 

My fingers froze , I hated to see it but somewhere I wanted to see that face from each angle and imagine it how distorted it can be if I ever get a chance to break that face the same way it broke my heart , a rage rushed through my face , the liquid  in my throat chocked  , suddenly my stomach was no longer hungry and wild  chills run through my body , the veins in my eyes were suddenly visible - all dark red, gushed with  blood , I clench both my fists tight and held the leather covering of my chair and in  next few  moments   I realized that  my chair  soul's was nearly sacrificed and now its time for the declaration of  its  emergency  retirements as its no longer fit to serve  its purpose with a torn off cover .

I decided to calm myself down and hence distraction was my very  first near and very dear option , I came back to my room ,  grabbed a seat in front of my laptop and decided to watch few pre recorded lectures , well I did start them but in no time my brain was not ready to let go off the face -the human version of a surreal disaster  that I just saw , the face that brought  the lava from my volcanic self  which was in peace , ubothered   since past 1 year now . In no time I banged my  dearest Mac - my most expensive and therefore the  most dear  property that I value more then my kidney right now  ( well basically my only property for now so yh I  !) , threw books off my table , drank the entire bottle of water kept on the table immediately and threw it right against my closet door . Something inside me  was different then , a demon was awakened  , a  scary side of me which I never knew existed  until this  moment . A 20 year old me who is seldomly described by her roommates as an inefficient contestant of big- boss ( a  television reality show that runs on the basis of kill , survive and thrive but yh with  sharp words or forms of anger  ) as all I do according to people is smile and never fight , somebody whom nobody has ever seen screaming  on top of her voice or somebody who is never mad , that same somebody who is  currently in her kitchen at 8 am throwing off  her of her favourite coffee mugs on floor  , weeping and screaming , mostly out of helplessness to  calm  her own demons .

The next sensible  thing to do was - a visit to washroom ,of course a shower I thought would  help , some cold water ran through my hairs  and  with few more rounds of self contemplation about how just a picture can turn  me into a potentially dangerous  live  bomb that can set itself on fire in fractions of seconds did seem crazy  and unaccptable to me  at one point . 

But was I being totally  Irrational ? or wild ? or completely unreasonable ? Hell NO! 

Because it is only me who knows what all  it did to me , All though somehow  the person changed how and for what I lived - dressed- talked - saw - heard - felt - believed - cried - begged - prayed -dreamed - dismantled - regrew - re flourished  ,  As a matter of  fact  , no matter what lies you feed yourself about forgiveness , you chuck them way back in your own history of of  life - history you know you will never willingly revisit any day , something that you bury deep within and pretend it never happened , something buried really really far off from reach , bu yet surprisingly  all it takes is a name , a question , an image or a piece of art to remind you of all the past pain .

So a hardway learned truth  from my broken self to yours  which all of us have felt at one point of time but we fail to accept  

1)  The infinite loop of forgive and forget it a  total myth on somedays , 

2) You deserve to feel everything you do ( even the rage ) because it was your heart and  not some random piece of art that they broke . 

3) Try to let go  if not it is okay , normalize accepting what you feel  but dare you not  forget to pick few  lessons and learn each time . 

Hope I helped . Did I ? 

- Prachi Kamlesh Patel