Posts

Mourning

  “Grief is the price we pay for love .” By far the two hardest emotions to digest as a living being is - Grief and regret . All though it is a well known fact that grief has its roots in love , it still remains hard to conquer and even harder to understand . These are  times where you find yourself tossing on the inside like a tiny boat caught in midst of an ocean storm  -Damage is brutal for sure . Are they all listening? Yes for sure yet seemingly eager enough for your sobbing story to end , waiting to throw around a 2 word ,five lettered saying which is easier said than  done - Move on .  Human race is quite well aware and open about dealing with a loss of life and moreover the familiarity of this concept makes it a bit smoother process . Why so ? we ask ! Only Because - they who talk of it , most probably know of it , very much likely even experienced it and hence enough worthy knowledge and guidance available around to make the topsy turvy ride set in motion .  But let me ask you

Grief demands an answer, but sometimes ................

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Grief demands an answer, but sometimes there isn't one." I was watching House of Cards when a character said those words. It was Friday night, May5th.  just another day as usual and I had decided to enjoy my evening off by  marathoning some of Frank Underwood's devious dealings with a French press of Dominican coffee, chocolate chip cookies, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked. Living on the edge. Grief demands an answer. The words made me pause; they landed not too far from some truth in my life. Not because it was a nice summer evening, and there I was by myself. Ironically, despite the saturation of red-themed everything or the flood of romantic tributes on social media, of how folks of my age be living on their days  off  I've felt no ill will toward any holiday at any point. It doesn't matter to me what the origin of the day is or how commercialized or overplayed it is--I like it by myself. I like it how each evening spent in solitude presents me with

Aakhir woah zindagi kya .......

 Woah safar kya , jaha kante na mile ,  Woah kashti Kya , lehro  se jo dare ,  Woah aasman kya , jisko nihar ummede na Chalke  ,  Woah aayna Kya , jo sach  ko na dhake  ,  Woah kala kya , jo jaan se bhi zyda na bhaye ,  Woah nigahe Kya, jo lafz se zyda na bole ,  Woah muskurahat Kya , jisme raaz na chupe , Woah rooh kya , jo ,ibadat  na jane ,  Woah ishq Kya , jisme sab kuch gawakar bhi sirf unki khushi hi dikhe    ,  Woah khawhish Kya , jo ninde na udaye ,  Woah junnon kya , jo sabkuch  daav par na lagaye ,  Woah basera kya , jahan aapne na mile ,  Woah jahan kya , jisme  maa- baap na base ,  Woah waqat Kya, jo aasani se kate ,  Woah takleef Kya , jahan pura  mar mitne ke baad bhi  - laachari se ja mile  ,  Woah amiri kya, jo kisi ke kaam na aaye  ,  Woah gareebi kya , jo insan ko majboori ka ehsaas na karaye ,  Woah payar kya , jisme  minnate na ho ,  Woah nafrat kya , jisme ghuroor ke piche chupa wo dher sara  dard na ho ,  Woah insaan kya , jisme insaniyaat na base  ,   Woah mai ky

Buried it all but , how deep ?

Well to be real honest as I do not reside at  a place where my mornings start with all kinds of birds chirping and cool soothing breeze - an ideal over romanticized version of every morning presented by all most 90% of authors that I read as a teen , to keep it real it was a strong windy yet sunny morning on a usual  working  weekday of October 2020 , I woke up and murmerred my usual morning prayer, got out of my comfy arena and performed morning rituals , as far as considering my age I belong to those  category of  millennial babies , who  are all young adults now and will sit with a phone in one hand scrolling through their social media feed while having breakfast  rather then either reading a good spiritual script  to kick off a morning -which my mother would have definitely expected out of me or would have loved if I did so - but I didn't , and of course never regretted it everyday but who knew today was about to look  different .  I sipped on the first sip of my smoothie and o

After all these days ?

10   mo nths , 21 days , 6 hours and 3 minutes . Yes after all these days days , the changing seasons and skies  ,  still skipping the songs that I  used to listen when I first met you .  Still carrying it all in my poor little heart  . oh very well I must say !  Still freezing in the shower thinking - still avoiding those novels  that reminds me of you.still working on  changing my playlist so it doest describe you anymore  !   My fingers still turn numb , when I pen down anything that even in  minor sense relates to you . I guess ,It was all you .Or all of you in me ?  After all these days , still comparing the difference you made  to my days then to what life from here  looks to me  now - all because of you  ,  Yes , still , chocking when it suddenly reminds me of how abruptly life take turns ,  Pretty weird Yh ? But still , after all these days , I still get teary eyed when my friends ask how has he been ?  Still , Yh I wake up at 3:15 am and stare at the open sky until my eyes are

To my dear future kid

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To my incredible, inspiring, beautiful, unique and precious kid ,   There are going to be days that hurt and hollow you out. Those days are the kind you sit staring at a computer, at the wall or out of a window, just looking, but not seeing anything. You can't think, you can only feel your chest expand and rise to inhale and then purse your lips to exhale slowly. Each breath feels no better than the last, but you know, somewhere deep within  yourself that you have to just keep on doing it. There are going to be nights when you lie on your back and tears slip out the sides of your eyes without permission. They stream, cold and chilling on your neck, and you lay frozen. The sadness has a weight words can't carry. The mind can't quite decipher how much loss you feel, how broken and tired your heart is. Below the surface, deep behind the horizontal heart that keeps beating and bleeding out, there is a spark that flickers. It is so faint you can't even acknowledge it, but fu

The show must go on.

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“Honsla rakh doli na, Din aunga bas boli na “ - Waheguru . These are the words that has  kept me going thru on worst of my days , days where I felt the emotions would engulf me , days where I wanted to run somewhere, somehow leaving everything behind , days When I covered my mouth on a public transit to mask a breakdown because my tears couldn’t wait until I reached my bed and found a pillow to hide my pain with . The days when I choose to sit and stare at the sky all the way till dawn - questioning and hoping someone from up and above this world will hear and answer my plea , the days when I skipped morning lectures because with a chest so heavy it was difficult to put on a show and drag myself to a class , The days when I wished I had  the power to go back in time just to undo some events , unfeeling was my dream , days when I took more then 45 minutes standing under the shower - cold and numb - trying to figure out where it all went wrong , who is at blame ?  and what is