To my dear future kid

To my incredible, inspiring, beautiful, unique and precious kid , 

There are going to be days that hurt and hollow you out. Those days are the kind you sit staring at a computer, at the wall or out of a window, just looking, but not seeing anything. You can't think, you can only feel your chest expand and rise to inhale and then purse your lips to exhale slowly. Each breath feels no better than the last, but you know, somewhere deep within yourself

that you have to just keep on doing it.

There are going to be nights when you lie on your back and tears slip out the sides of your eyes without permission. They stream, cold and chilling on your neck, and you lay frozen. The sadness has a weight words can't carry. The mind can't quite decipher how much loss you feel, how broken and tired your heart is. Below the surface, deep behind the horizontal heart that keeps beating and bleeding out, there is a spark that flickers. It is so faint you can't even acknowledge it, but fumes from it's attempts to light sneak into your senses.

There are going to be mornings when the sun doesn't bother to beam past the grey, heavy clouds spilling rain and rolling like the pain and fear from your tears. You find you thrash from your left side to your right, as if arguing a silent point against yourself. The strength to throw the corner of the top cover down to get up is equally matched by the strength of your resolve to roll over and hide in the cool warmth under down feathers and darkness. Without committing to either urge, a voice without noise pushes you to abandon the fight and start the day.

There are going to be weeks that drone on as if to torture and test your absolute capacity to absorb disappointment, shame, shock and alienation. It will feel so much like personal assault from the universe that you will drop to your knees in a visceral scream just because you can, and nothing else feels like it will help. The echo of it, and the strange and unexpected confirmation that you are indeed still alive, mobile, able to be heard, and very present soothes an ambiguous wound you can't identify.

There are going to be people who make you feel small, weak and inferior. You will let them rule your thoughts and their version of you will create a negative rhetoric inside yourself that poison your spirit and deflates your self worth. But strangely, as you listen more to them, you'll start to see the fissures in their false confidence, you may even start to pity their own darkness that needs to hold you down to create an illusion that they are higher up. You might even start to believe that just because someone says something, and just because you may believe it temporarily, it is not necessarily the truth.

There are going to be events in life that shake you to your core. Huge, life-altering cracks in the ideal or comforts of a life you think you built. You will fall hard, crashing into fragile pieces of the glass perception that existed before you hit the bottom and saw, slowly, that you are more beautiful as a mosaic, than a perfectly packaged projection. Something feels more comfortable and empowering about refitting yourself and holding the most sacred, albeit once broken, parts of yourself together with the mortar of self-discovery and the solid embrace of yourself as you truly are.

There would be times when no matter how much you will have to give , love and respect and still you will be looked upon and chosen over , days when you will let go of  everything and everyone you couldn’t imagine your life without , days when you will feel targeted from all ends by your own luck .Amongst all the odds I need you to know - - it isn’t just you , the lady who raised you  been through it all and dealt with it single handedly and still bossed it up straight and so will you .Comebacks would (and should be ) ( leaps of faith you see!  ) forever stronger then the setbacks, so this is your life. This is ugly,and sad and hard and messy and at the very same time please remember-No vein in a leaf, no pollen of potential spread will be the same as yours because fragile feelings when hurt have lessons to teach - Wherever and whenever you feel that self respect at stake -let go and leave but don’t forget to learn kid .

Yours , 

You know who right ? 

- Prachi Patel