Grief demands an answer, but sometimes ................

Grief demands an answer, but sometimes there isn't one." I was watching House of Cards when a character said those words. It was Friday night, May5th.  just another day as usual and I had decided to enjoy my evening off by  marathoning some of Frank Underwood's devious dealings with a French press of Dominican coffee, chocolate chip cookies, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked. Living on the edge.

Grief demands an answer.

The words made me pause; they landed not too far from some truth in my life. Not because it was a nice summer evening, and there I was by myself. Ironically, despite the saturation of red-themed everything or the flood of romantic tributes on social media, of how folks of my age be living on their days  off  I've felt no ill will toward any holiday at any point. It doesn't matter to me what the origin of the day is or how commercialized or overplayed it is--I like it by myself. I like it how each evening spent in solitude presents me with an opportunity to not only identify myself as the best company I could ever have in life but it also makes me debate my own virtues , beliefs and reevaulutae  , and the bonus is it is always a - me vs me and a me+me so either way I am winning it . 

99% of the time, I walk around in a pretty good mood for your average girl  But there have been moments, flashes, in which my jaw tightens. I may have been in the middle of humming to some happy tune, or reading an article about people going to live on Mars, and suddenly, grief is there with me.

It wants to know why. Always why. Not how. I know how; I've studied it. I have a phd in how. Grief grips me, desperate and confused, and demands its answers.

Sometimes I entertain grief. I wonder aloud with it. I draft up long, complicated conspiracy theories, and everyone is a suspect. I come up with my own interpretations and ideologies of all the why's and how's and later I usually end up writing such too deep blogs at 3am and sending them to a bunch of my girlfriends who will always get back to me with concerns of how again I shouldn't be spending too many of my days off alone reading , writing or over analyzing such stuff rather then seeing how well and clear I read between lines . Ughhh okay I know (time to acknowledge the concerns of my those well wishers )  , I know I have been pretty self absorbed and self isolated lately ( I swear even without the pandemic my life wasn't much different )but then the last time I was obsessed with a sou that wasn't mine it didn't go the way Netflix plays on repeat of how beautiful it is ...... like hell no brother .... I am good, thank you .....So this time why not be obsessed with myself instead ? At least I can fight me or settle stuff out with me again at my own pace ( remember that ? me vs me and me +me )......

When it comes to grief -No matter how fanciful or rational an explanation I develop, no matter how scared I am or how hopeful I am of the real answer, I always tend to sober up and face this reality:

Grief demands an answer, but sometimes there isn't one.

Or, at least, there's no way of knowing for sure.

How do you satisfy the burning queries of grief, then? How do you learn to walk after loss cripples you? How do you get back what was stolen from you? How do your eyes adjust to the light after you've been held captive in a dark cell for years?

For me, it ended up in three things:

1

Time. - To digest facts - it is what it is , this is what is left , this is where it ends and probably there is from where one needs to start .

2 Forgiveness.- Wont come easy , specifically when there were no apologies from either or any ends , but how long will you hold on to the chain that shackles your soul ? 

3 Trust.- Not asking you to trust any process or person , truth be told it is too much to ask for when one is devoid of  even a ray of hope but trust the devine nature or if you will feel better let me  use the word- god  , trust in the fact that if he planted you as a seed , nurtured you from within it wasn't just to experience grief ? was it ? like is it even possible ? There are enough investments made on you to bear only grief as returns , mark my words there will be much more following 

Sometimes one of those three things  feels more important than the other two. Sometimes I hate one or all three. But I need them all. More importantly, there are no easy answers found there.

They may not be enough to keep grief at bay once and for all, but they are enough, for now.